reflection

This is one of the hardest weeks of a year for me. 4 years ago this was the week that one of my biggest dreams ended. As I have looked back on it over the last few days I realize how far I have come. If someone had told me 4 years ago I would be where I am today I would have never have believed them. The birth of McKenzie Jo and Vanessa Rose was both the best and worst day I have experienced. It is the day I became a mother and the day I lost my children. Growing up you never think you will experience the trials that Jon and I had to go through to get children. It was years of tears(not all the time there were a ton of happy moments) and struggles with trying to figure out why. Why was this happening to us, why would God not give me a child was I going to be a bad parent, what did I do to deserve this and one of my not so proud thoughts "why do they deserve one look at them!" But even with all of these negative feelings and thoughts Jon was there to help me see the bright side and know that when it happens it will be the right time and everything will be great. So when it did happen you can imagine the joy it brought to my life. Not only was I pregnant but with twins. This is something I had dreamed and imagined as a child!!!! I never thought it would really happen and here after all this time it did. I was over joyed and scared to death. My life became consumed with trying to gather all the knowledge I could about pregnancy, twins and how to raise a child. So when that dreaded moment came that I realized I was in labor and there was no stopping this from happening I had two choices on how to react. 1. I could blame the Lord and hate the world and shrivel up and die on the inside or 2. I could turn to my heavenly Father and ask for stregnth from him and all those around me.

I am so thankful to say that I choose the 2nd choice. No it was not an easy choice. Everything in me wanted to hate the world and lash out at every pregnant woman I could find. I wanted to hide so I wouldn't have to smile or see children or pretend I was happy when everything in me was hurting so bad. I knew this was not the right thing to do but it was what was easiest luckily for me I have a husband and so many family and friends that would not let that happen. Because of the Love that surrounded me thanks to a wonderful heavenly father I was able to pretend until it became true.

There are moments that I forget how dark it was how bad it hurt but on weeks like this I remember and am so glad that it is not dark and painful any more. I now focus on the happy moments of that week. The moment I got to hold my wonderful daughters who are now in heaven doing the work of the Lord. I don't have to worry about them being corrupted by the world or hurt or any such thing. They will be in the celestial kingdom awaiting my arrival!!! I am so glad for the gospel and the strength it gives me. Now when I face a trial(after the initial freak out) I can move through knowing there is an end to it and I will only be stronger after going through it.

Sorry this post is not only long but full of sadness, I just needed a moment and a place to reflect on my angels and what they have brought into my life. I love them and am thankful for the short time we had with them. I look forward to the day I get to hold them in my arms once again. Until then I have a wonderful little Baylee to love and hold. She make my life full of joy and when I am having one of those days that is hard to push the dark away all I have to do is look in her sweet face and know that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy.