reflection

This is one of the hardest weeks of a year for me. 4 years ago this was the week that one of my biggest dreams ended. As I have looked back on it over the last few days I realize how far I have come. If someone had told me 4 years ago I would be where I am today I would have never have believed them. The birth of McKenzie Jo and Vanessa Rose was both the best and worst day I have experienced. It is the day I became a mother and the day I lost my children. Growing up you never think you will experience the trials that Jon and I had to go through to get children. It was years of tears(not all the time there were a ton of happy moments) and struggles with trying to figure out why. Why was this happening to us, why would God not give me a child was I going to be a bad parent, what did I do to deserve this and one of my not so proud thoughts "why do they deserve one look at them!" But even with all of these negative feelings and thoughts Jon was there to help me see the bright side and know that when it happens it will be the right time and everything will be great. So when it did happen you can imagine the joy it brought to my life. Not only was I pregnant but with twins. This is something I had dreamed and imagined as a child!!!! I never thought it would really happen and here after all this time it did. I was over joyed and scared to death. My life became consumed with trying to gather all the knowledge I could about pregnancy, twins and how to raise a child. So when that dreaded moment came that I realized I was in labor and there was no stopping this from happening I had two choices on how to react. 1. I could blame the Lord and hate the world and shrivel up and die on the inside or 2. I could turn to my heavenly Father and ask for stregnth from him and all those around me.

I am so thankful to say that I choose the 2nd choice. No it was not an easy choice. Everything in me wanted to hate the world and lash out at every pregnant woman I could find. I wanted to hide so I wouldn't have to smile or see children or pretend I was happy when everything in me was hurting so bad. I knew this was not the right thing to do but it was what was easiest luckily for me I have a husband and so many family and friends that would not let that happen. Because of the Love that surrounded me thanks to a wonderful heavenly father I was able to pretend until it became true.

There are moments that I forget how dark it was how bad it hurt but on weeks like this I remember and am so glad that it is not dark and painful any more. I now focus on the happy moments of that week. The moment I got to hold my wonderful daughters who are now in heaven doing the work of the Lord. I don't have to worry about them being corrupted by the world or hurt or any such thing. They will be in the celestial kingdom awaiting my arrival!!! I am so glad for the gospel and the strength it gives me. Now when I face a trial(after the initial freak out) I can move through knowing there is an end to it and I will only be stronger after going through it.

Sorry this post is not only long but full of sadness, I just needed a moment and a place to reflect on my angels and what they have brought into my life. I love them and am thankful for the short time we had with them. I look forward to the day I get to hold them in my arms once again. Until then I have a wonderful little Baylee to love and hold. She make my life full of joy and when I am having one of those days that is hard to push the dark away all I have to do is look in her sweet face and know that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy.

One of those days!

Have you ever gotten out of bed and thought now why the heck did I do that! Today is one of those days I should have just stayed asleep. My head is a pounding my house is in need of more cleaning and I have a 3 year old that is not helping with any of those things. It seems the past week has been spent cleaning the same mess over and over and over. How am I ever suppose to get around to the other messes if I am always cleaning the same one? I would just work harder but if I work more then I am I end up with a stupid pain in my side that doubles me over(I guess I should go figure out what is causing this but that is just another phone call to make). We are trying to teach Baylee to clean her own mess and she is pretty good about cleaning up one or two things and then she calls it quits. As a mother I have to ask does teaching children to clean ever get any easier? I love being a mom and being home all day it is wonderful not to miss out on any of the wonderful moments with Baylee, but the same old of cleaning gets to me. How many times can I pick up the same pair of shoes before I completely loose my mind? Now I am not alone in all of this. I have a wonderful husband who gets up goes to work comes home and helps me clean, runs errands and then heads back to work and is gone until after midnight without complaining one bit. It is just one of those days.

On a more positive note, a new year is here and new adventures await our family. We are excited to be starting the new year in our new home. So far we have made many new friends and are looking forward to making more. Our ward has sucked us right in and gotten us busy. I have been called to the position of Second Counselor in the Relief Society. This calling has me scared but also excited. What a great way to get to know all the ladies in the ward and build a love for my ward family! It has been good for me but I still am a little lost and trying to figure everything out. Jon has been called as the second Counselor in the Sunday School. I am not sure what all the entails but I am sure he will be great at it. Baylee is starting sunbeams on Sunday, not really sure how that is going to go over with her. We tried letting her know that she will be a sunbeam and she started pouting and saying NO! I am sure she will adjust with time if they can just keep her from standing up and dancing to the music!!!

Just randomness

The girls love to dress up and thanks to Danielle we had a few new costumes!
The stairs in the new house has been great entertainment. Baylee has over come her fear of stairs very fast and discovers new ways to come down them all the time. Her favorite way is on her tummy feet first racing daddy! They were trying going down on their backs. Notice they are dress up in their princess dresses.
I love when we put Baylee's hair in curlers and end up with tight curls all over the place. She just looks so cute I always have to take a picture.
This is just a random picture I had taken of London and Baylee. It just goes to show that friends come in all sizes!

Halloween

The tick or treating crew!





Baylee has really been into Tinker Bell these last couple of months and she just loved her costume. After I put her costume on her I thought it need a little more to it so I put makeup on her. Jon told me I was starting something that I would later regret and I just shrugged it off but I now regret it. Every day since she has asked for makeup. But look how cute of a fairy princess she makes!!!

We were officially in our new ward on Halloween so I figured I better attend the ward Trunk or Treat party. It was so much fun seeing all the little kids run around in their costumes. Baylee loved going to all the cars and seeing the decorations and she was so polite and said Thank you everytime someone gave her candy. That was the only trick or treating she got to do and it was just the right amount of candy. I didn't gain too much weight eating it!!

Baylee's Birthday

Wow I am behind! Well October 1st we celebrate Baylee's 3rd birthday! We did not do a party this year but choose to have it just be our little family. The day started out with her gift. She got candy land because mommy was tired of playing Dora all the time. Baylee loves to play games and will play them for hours. While Daddy was at work Baylee and I played Candy Man(this is what she calls candy land). When Daddy got home he had a big surprise for Baylee! He had gone and gotten her Balloons. She was in heaven! These Balloons where so good that they were still floating on the ceiling when we moved almost a month later! We went to Baylee's favorite restaurant for dinner which just happens to be Applebee's. Hmm wonder why that would be her favorite? After dinner we came home to a cake and that was the day. We had more gifts and cupcakes later in the week with her cousins.

Snow Day!!!

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow! That is the song that has been sung at out home since July and it finally happened. With all this snow and Daddy home from work today we took advantage of the time to take Baylee out for some much awaited fun! She has woken up everyday since mid july and has said "Snows coming". In the above picture we are trying to catch the snow flakes with our tonges.

Baylee wanted to be a big helper and help Daddy shovel the walk. When she first saw our neighbors shoveling the walk she was upset because she didn't want them to touch her snow!

This is the beggining of our snowman. It took us a very long time and a lot of work to get it to be this big. We later figured out what we were doing wrong.

The neighbor girl came over and helped us finish off the snowman.

So we figured out that the snow was too dry earlier we needed to melt just a little bit so it would pack. Once we figured this out Daddy and Baylee headed out to build a bigger snowman in the back yard.

Then it was so easy they decided a family of snowmen would be great!!!

Lots to be Thankful for

Since today is Thanksgiving I figured I would write a post about the many things I am thankful for. As I look at my life there are so many different things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my dear parents that raised me with love and the gospel. They gave me every opportunity to grow and develop talents. I am so very thankful for the gospel in my life and how on an everyday basis it is there to help me. With out the gospel it would be hard for me to find thanks in some of the things in my life. I would not have the knowledge of an eternal family. If I did not have this knowledge I wouldn't be able to be thankful for my two angel daughters. They are a joy in my life. To know that I will get to raise them and spend eternity with them is a great blessing in my life. I am thankful for the many trials I have had to go through to get children. These trials are what brought me to the point in my life that I was ready to accept my sweet Baylee into our home as if I had given birth to her. She is such a blessing in our life's. She keeps us smiling and having fun. She has a sweet spirit that our home would be missing if she never joined our family. I am thankful for my wonderful husband that has stood by and loved me through it all. He has always been there to comfort me when I am down,& make me laugh when I didn't see anything in life to laugh about. He has had the faith when I lacked it, and would tell me to just have faith it will work out. He is always out working hard for our family even as I type this on Thanksgiving he got up early and went to work. I have such a wonderful support group around me that includes family and those who are not blood related but might as well be. I am who I am because of the love of the savior and those around me. So thank you to all of you in my life!